To a lot of people I come off as sort of a hermit when it comes to going out places, other than the grocery store and mail. Even then I just end up with verbal diarreah whenever someone takes the time to talk to me (come on, I talk to a 2 year old 99% of my day, someone who can speak full sentences talks to me and I get excited, sue me) and then it’s almost painfully noticed they make sure not to make that mistake again. Do you know how it feels to walk out of your house and feel everyone is actively avoiding you? How it feels to be absolutely shattered every time someone tries to find a way to get out of a conversation with you. I have always had a “soft heart” everything I took personally, from being told something I made had a little too much salt, to being called any name in the insult book (name it and it’s probably been said to me) and everything in between.
Let me just start off with the fact I do not make friends easily. Yet i am an incredibly open individual with anyone who will listen. It all comes back to a situation when I was in grade 6, without a doubt, but because of that my mind finds it next to impossible to know I have real friends or that people like me. Sure to this day I still have moments when I question even my closest relationships. Let me give you a couple examples.
I talk with my best friends daily and generally about anything. One of them go off and start hanging with other people and I actually get upset, worried, and very paranoid they are going to drop me because they found this cool new best friend, regardless of us living a couple thousand kilometres apart. Even though I know this isn’t true, I haven’t been able to prevent my mind from going there, and then I get the impending doom feeling in my stomach for what seems like forever.
Next example, and by far the most common one, is social situations. They scare the crap out of me, especially living here, everyone is very judgemental, even though they say they are not. I grew up with the knowledge that if you were not personally invited then you were not welcomed, or always considered that “plus 1”. That is not how this town works. First off people just show up to things with or without an invite, and in this town I am “plus 1” to pretty much everything, and there is a stigma around that, one that feel more like “oh shes here” or “oh she showed up” not a very welcoming feeling.
I only have one friend up here, outside of my husband, and I’ve been here almost 6 years.. and I tried, but I’m not a partier and the first time people stopped inviting me to things I realized the problem was me. Believe it or not, I still have some pride, and I know who I’m not welcomed by and I do not like being in situations I am not welcomed, or I know people do not like me.
Anyways, back to what happens. Alex will generally get invited somewhere, or even the invitation will be open to both of us. From the moment that invite is extended the seed is planted in my mind. It festers, i get that nervous feeling in my stomach and the thought of going out to another social situation upsets me. Even when I think of it I tear up sometimes.. 9/10 times I will talk myself out of it every time because I hate sitting in a room looking at my phone for hours. And that’s what happens. I’m not comfortable leaving my husband to go hang out with people I do not know, and those people who I think are “friend acquaintances” always leave their husbands and go off with their actual friends. So that leaves me, sitting on my phone, listening to yet another conversation my husband is having about work or what not. Usually ends up with me messaging my bestie and saying “I wish you were here”.
Why would I want to subject myself to those scenarios when I could just sit home, cuddle my pugs and children, and even hubby. Now I will always encourage alex to go to the functions without me, I do not want my own mental demons keep him from having a good time. Even though he insists on trying to guilt me into going every time with “I don’t like going places without you, it’s all couples and me” to which I think in my head “I don’t like going places and being the outcast who is only there to be furniture”.
Also, I don’t like drinking. I used to in university, but I was around friends, making a fool of myself in front of people who already think I’m weird, isn’t exactly what I’m going for. Also I’m a mother now, and like it or not, I have to be up with 2 loud children at the butt crack of dawn. So one night of partying and feeling uncomfortable is not worth the literal body and head aches the next day.
In grade 6 I wanted to hang out with the cool kids, and I got invited over to one of their houses after school. I was beyond excited, like yay, they like me. Then we were all lying on the bed just talking about random things and two of them held me down and tried to take off my pants.. I don’t know what their end motive was… must have been to make me feel bad, but thank god I was a chubby child and stronger than them twig bitches.. I remember sitting till I got picked up, trying to pretend like nothing happened, and rationalize what happened.. but I was in grade 6, I couldn’t rationalize anything hah, I didn’t even know was rationalize meant. I just knew they never wanted to be my friends..
A more recent experience that just brought it all back was only a few years ago, you know how you can have weekly activities, like you go weekly and do an activity, watch a movie or tv show, or just hang and have wine? Well I was doing something like that, and I liked doing it, I looked forward to it.. then I just stopped being invited, I’m not really sure why, I think I must have said something stupid or maybe I’m just a little weird… I don’t know.. I just know it made me feel bad, and if I was out at the time I’d drive by on my way home and noticed they were still hanging out, just I wasn’t invited anymore… probably should have been more adult and asked what was going on but I have issues and just let it get to me.
I do not post a lot on this anymore. I used to post weekly but lately I write a lot of drafts, about how I feel, and never publish them.. I may publish this one.. if I do it will not be a “share on Facebook” post.. just a post.. more for me. If people want to read then great but I’m not going to throw this up on Facebook.