Realization from my vacation

“Roar Roar Roar like an Angry T-Rex”

First family vacation to Disney with two kids, 2.5 & 6 months. 

Every day my 2 year old had multiple tantrums, he’s two and I took him to the “happiest place on earth”, what 2 year old wouldn’t tantrum waiting in lines or being dragged away from dinosaur things. 

My 6 month old is a 6 month old, pissed she has to stay still in a stroller all day, too nosey to eat and drink normally, and due to heat and being in the stroller she developed a little heat rash and a super cranky attitude haha. 

This is my first time to Florida, I wish I had of went sooner, and I cannot wait until my children are old enough to go and enjoy it with some sort of patience and understanding. I went on roller coasters, scary rides and saw amazing stunts, I ate pretzels that looked like Mickey Mouse, and got my annual fill of Taco Bell haha. 

I’m so happy that I did this. I needed the heat and the relaxation. I needed to experience being in a crowd and out of the house to realize I need that more often to get back to normal. I am not myself anymore, not the fun, go out to the movies or for drink, happy-go-lucky self, And I haven’t been for a while. Confrontation and stressful situations I used to thrive on, now cause me to clam up and freeze, looking like an idiot when I just want to get out of the situation I am in and run for the hills. Rationality goes out the window and outside of my mind I just seem crazy, at least I think so. 

I’m not sure when the paranoia started, I just know it’s been at least 7 years. Always second guessing friendships, thinking everyone is looking at and speaking ill of me, just being uncomfortable in a crowd. 

The last couple of years have been particularly bad, I have, what I like to call, silent panick attacks. On the outside I take pride in the fact I only seem like I’m in a bad mood when I’m freaking out inside. It’s hard to explain, I just know I start sweating, my mind races, and not to anything in particular, it’s like it’s racing to nothing, and I can’t focus on anything, my eyes just keep jumping from item to item, almost trying to grasp onto something that isn’t there. And I cannot forget that feeling in the pit of my stomach. It can last anywhere from a minute to ten minutes, or however long I am in that situation. Sometimes it’s just the uncomfortable mind racing feeling, other times it’s so bad I start shaking, those times rarely happen, but suck when they do. 

Being in the situations more often is helping me figure out how to deal with them quickly. I still freak out, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. This vacation is helping me, even though in a way it’s torturing me. One crazy, busy, scary, exciting day at a time.

Later taters!

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