Before I start I need to state this, having a bunch of people comment on this saying “oh you are not fat you are beautiful” is not going to help me think otherwise about myself. If my close friend and my family saying it doesn’t help I highly doubt anyone will. As well it has been 168 days and roughly 3 hours since I gave birth to the most amazing little guy who keeps me smiling day in and day out.
I have ALWAYS had body image issues! Since I was young and excluded because of it. But I never thought I would get to the point of not wanting to look myself in the mirror.. And it’s funny because the only time I never thought I was ugly was during my pregnancy. I thought I was beautiful… Then I had Ethan and no I’m not.
Before Ethan I was trying to lose weight, I had motivations, strive, and I lost weight without an issue. Then I found out I was pregnant and embraced it. And now I’m not bigger than before I was pregnant, all my clothes still fit, I should be happy. But I look in the mirror and miss being pregnant, my belly had a purpose and now it’s just fat and ugly. And yes “if you don’t like how you look change it”. Yes by hold on. 1: I get approximately 3 hours a day when Ethan is sleeping and when you live in your own house you need to cook, clean, prep food, do bottles, laundry, and the many other things a super mom must do. 2: I have a treadmill, I try to use it. Especially when Ethan is playing with his toys but the moment I’m out of his sight he puts the house up until he can see me again. So treadmill doesn’t happen. 3: I am not comfortable with anyone really where I live to ask someone to baby sit while I go to the gym or such. 4: too friggen cold to go for a walk. 5: alex gets home 5:30ish, sometimes closer to 6 so by the time supper is done and cleared away Ethan’s awake and ready to go again. And yes I understand “Alex can watch him while you go on the treadmill” and sure probably, but the treadmill is in the basement where Ethan and Alex would have to go to play and I’m still self conscious around Alex and do not want to see me sweating on the treadmill.
My issue with myself is not about my weight for once.. when I think of myself as ugly I don’t think I would look better as a size 12. I long to have my pregnancy self back, I have never looked as pretty and I have never been as happy with myself as when I was pregnant.. But I can’t always be pregnant.. That’s a lot of children. But I don’t see this feeling going away anytime soon.. And I kinda of just gave up trying/caring about anything but Ethan.. Even when I’m with Ethan sometimes mentally I’m not there, not in the on my iPad or phone sense. Sometimes I just sit in the basement while he is playing and just think.. Even in the night time I just sit in the silence and reflect..
I don’t really know why I wrote this.. I kind of need to get this off my chest cause it’s affecting my daily life..
Anyways later taters