Good Evening Anyone Who Bothers to Read my Blog haha
Four weeks, and four days ago I was in the hospital holding my little bundle of joy, going through a wide array of emotions. Lets take it back to the night before the section. Like most people I was terrified, crying, excited, and relieved it was soon going to be all over. I went to sleep trying not to think of what could go wrong, and trying to focus only on the joy I believed I would feel holding my son for the first time.
The morning of the section I cried half a dozen times, I was going through so many emotions I was a mess. From the moment I stepped into the hospital everything went according to plan and really smoothly, the nurses and my doctor were fantastic! I went into the prep room where I was given an iv, ultrasound to ensure Ethan was still breached, and I had to change into the ugly gowns where my butt was hanging out, however according to the nurse “It’s not that bad”, says the woman who had to look my big old butt, pity that girl haha. I walked into the operating room, got the epidural (which by the way isn’t a painful experience at all, and my anesthesiologist was hilarious so I didn’t even notice it), put my legs up on the table and just watched at the nurses prepped me for my surgery. Now I’m not going to lie, I hated the fact I was completely exposed to all these people but I wanted to meet him so badly it counteracted that feeling of body hatred. Surgery went well and at 10:56 a.m. Ethan James Wayne Haye made his arrival into this world by his ankle weight 7lbs 11.7oz. He was the most handsome sight I have ever seen and when I heard his little cry it was just how I imagined it would be. It wasn’t until after the surgery was over and when I was in a group room holding him in my arms that I thought I should feel different.
I’m not sure why I felt this way, I would say it was typical of every new mother, or at least I would hope. Holding him in my arms, his little face looking up at me, quiet as can be, knowing I was his whole world and he was completely dependent on myself and Alex. I just felt indifferent, this indifference turned into upset, but not with him, with myself. I hated how I looked not pregnant, I wanted to be pregnant again, of course everything was easier when he wasn’t here, I was in pain, I was restricted to what I was able to do and I needed someone’s help for almost everything. I was basically useless, so I pushed the restrictions daily until I was yelled at by either Alex or my family. I tried to throw myself into being a parent and forgot about myself and I cried, lord did I cry for no reason, someone would look at me funny or mention something about Ethan and I would just sob. It took till I was home and out of the hospital for my indifference to my little man to diminish and complete adoration to set in. I would never trade him for the world now because he is my world.
It took about a week and a half to figure out that Ethan wasn’t taking to his formula well and his stomach was in knots with gas. We chose to change him to a stomach friendly formula and he’s still bad with gas, but slowly we are working through it. I’m not going to lie, every night I have to watch him cry, in obvious pain, I cry. There is no worse feeling in this world than watching your child in pain and knowing there really isn’t anything you can do about it. I do understand how some mothers get post partum depression. If it wasn’t for the fact I have my family just upstairs and next door, I would probably be one of those mothers. I love him with ever bone in my body, he is my everything and I am lucky every day that he is here with me.
Mother life.. What can I say about it? Well my experience so far is that I never knew I could be so productive during a 2 hour span when he is napping, the baby swing is worth its weight in gold when you have a fussy baby or one with gas, you can become immune to a baby’s cries if he cries enough, no matter what you do for a child with gas he/she will continue to cry in pain whether you like it or not, formula is expensive and they have yet to perfect a formula perfect for all babies, yet formula is still something I will do in the future I will just start off with this kind now. Most of all I have learned that you cannot do it alone and unless you’re a mother, you have no idea what another mother is going through.