I am not afraid of the type of Mother I will be, I’m afraid of never becoming one.

According to the Ultrasound results the little man is 23 weeks and 3 days today. So I am officially into the “Safe Area” I guess, in terms of they will do everything they can to save his little life if something were to happen right now. 

it’s 5:45 am presently and I can’t sleep, my brain will not allow it. I am terrified that at any moment he could be gone. Knowing that no matter what may have been wrong with him, it’s ultimately my own fault. 

I was told by a nurse that a lot of still birth autopsy’s showed that the babies, whose mothers ingested a lot of caffeine, were comprised of caffeine because their little bodies cannot process it, peer-reviewed journal articles haven shown me that I am a high risk patient, my bmi is 40+, I am at a higher chance for pre-term (although some articles say I am also likely to go insanely late), I have a higher risk of a c-section, my baby could grow too large making c-section my only option, I could get diabetes, high blood pressure, and pretty much any risk involving pregnancy for a normal sized individual; I’m at a higher risk for these things.

The thing is, I’m not afraid of the type of mother I will become, I know that it’s impossible to know that and even if you thought you were going to be a certain type of mother, you’re not going to be. I will not lie and say it hasn’t crossed my mind, I would think that would be impossible of a pregnant woman. I am terrified that something will go wrong and I wont be able to get anywhere in time to save him. That is my issue. And funny thing is, whether a doctor was here full time or not, I would still have that issue, but I would be having less panic attacks. If something happens I will have to rely on a doctor’s input from over the phone, who in turn would suggest a trip to lab city, which leads to the worst 2.5hr drive of my life. When it could be nothing, or if it was something, then it’s too late. I need to get out of this town, I want to be out by 30 weeks, and I pray that I can be, if not I’m afraid this fear will consume me and I will not be able to function. I just want to be within a 20-30 minute drive of a hospital, that’s all I’m asking for. That will at least give my little man a fighting chance if something were to go wrong. It’s not about me any more and it never will be.  

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