17 Things I Learned in 2017

Family is Everything

I have seen a lot of people posting things on Facebook regarding their “top 9” photos of 2017. And it is so cute and I love it but when I went to do it I had more than 9 photos I wanted to use. Looking at all those photos made me realize that a lot has happened this year, the good, the bad and the ugly. I have grown and learned a lot this year, so instead of doing 9 photos, I’m going to reflect on 17 things I have learned over the past year, about myself and about everything. I’ll start it off on a lighter note!

1: I absolutely love baking. It’s my calm in the whirlwind of my everyday life, and what is even better, Ethan likes to help me too! Being able to share something I love with my son just makes me whole. I started doing little basic cakes and now I’m starting to carve cakes (like Ethan’s dinosaur birthday cake) and with the help of my friends I’m trying out designs I wasn’t even sold on at first, like the naked cake.

2: Popcorn is pretty much one of the best junk foods. Covered in chocolate, topped with sugar or multiple different seasonings, or even plain! And of course it’s the one food you start off eating all dainty, then 10 mins in you’re shovelling it into your mouth like you’ve never seen food before and licking the excess butter or toppings off your fingers like it’s some sort of crack haha

3: It is completely normal to feel lonely in a group of people, I’m not the only person that feels this way, and it’s totally ok. Sometimes we all just want that human interaction, and I don’t mean my kids, I mean other adults, someone you can say penis and vagina too without them snickering, laughing, rolling their eyes, or, in my case, when Ethan grabs it and goes “big bird”. That being said, you can certainly feel lonely at a party full of adults, especially if you haven’t been able to be “accepted” into a group. You’re probably a little different, say some crazy or stupid stuff, or even have something bigger going on mental you are trying to cope with. I’m horrible in crowds, I get verbal diarrhea and I’ll be at the grocery store and I just can’t stop talking! Its embarrassing but also kinda like therapy because I’m talking to an actual adult and that’s definitely something we take for granted before kids haha.

4: I wear an obscene amount of hoodie and legging combos. Something happens when you become a parent, especially a stay at home mom, you turn into a hoodie and a pair of leggings. Like legit my legs have no clue what denim feels like anymore 😂. I’m gonna be honest, I’m going to continue this because it is so damn comfortable, and when you spend your day with children hanging off of you, lord knows you don’t need constricting jeans pissing you off at the same time.

5: PANIC ATTACKS SUCK! Typically you have two options when you feel an attack coming on, the less successful method of trying to distract or talk yourself down, and complete utter breakdown. Know when you’re cold and you can’t stop shaking? Well try that amplified by 1000 and the feeling that your world is quickly closing in on you, anyone who says “slowly closing in on you” is full of shit, the actual commencing of a panic attack is like getting hit by a freight train. Now I’ll admit each attack has a severity meter, for example I had one yesterday that rated a 3 on a 1-10 scale. I’ve had a 10, your chest constricts, it starts getting harder to breathe, you’re hyperventilating, heavy horrible ugly crying, unable to get out words or thoughts, your eyes are burning because you are crying so much, you’re a heap on the floor, shaking uncontrollably, because you can’t even muster getting into a ball. It’s dark, it’s terrifying, and you’re suffering until it’s over.

6: I have a talent, it’s called eating an entire bag of chips in one sitting without even noticing, I bet you’re all jealous, all of you people who can only eat a couple chips out of a bag. Give me a bag of cool ranch Doritos or even a bag of salt and vinegar chips (yeah the ones that burn the shit out of your tongue till you feel likes it bleeding) and they will be gone before bed! Yeah yeah it’s not healthy, but I’m not exactly the poster child for health so deal with it haha.

7: I need to put myself in more situations I’m uncomfortable with so I can learn how to deal with that situation. I’m the person who makes friends with the dogs or children at parties! And I’m not a big drinker, if it involves walking home in any temperature under -15 you can gaurentee I’m driving unless there is a cab service. So I suck at adult gatherings. But after seeing a therapist and such I know I have to try to learn how to cope. Now it’s not like I’ve never been good at parties, hell I loved partying in university! I just have to learn how to love it again haha.

8: I can make amazingly delicious Christmas cookies, tea buns, and recently I’ve learned I can make a pretty good General Tso chicken! I used to think I was really only good at baking cakes and cupcakes but I’ve surprised even myself with how good I can be at making other things! I am challenging myself more and more, and it feels so good when a recipe turns out great!

9: I cannot get enough of medical shows. This year I must have watched greys anatomy and bones a minimum of 3 times each! The thrill behind it all, not to mention the cheesy romances and dramas between the characters, just gets me hooked!

10: I’m not ok, and that’s ok. I struggle a lot with social situations, I never feel like I belong and to be constantly be where you don’t feel comfortable is horrible for my mind. I had enough of it in June and decided to go to a psychologist. I have high anxiety and mild depression (along with horrible self image), when it comes to the depression I’m rather high functioning but I have episodes and they suck. But my anxiety ruins my day before it even starts. I think and overthink everything, especially interactions. If I’m out and I talk with you then you can guarantee that night I’m rerunning the conversation in my mind multiple times to figure out if I said something wrong or stupid. When I’m out places i sit by myself when I’m not comfortable and I’ll just observe and fight with myself whether I should go up to a group of people and chat or just stay where I’m too. I hate it because my anxiety wins and I end up looking like the loser at the party. Even with therapy I’m not better, but I’m trying and I’m learning, it’s not an overnight fix and there is a lot I need to fix, so please be patient with me. I don’t dislike anyone, I’m not a bitch, I’m just fighting with myself. Sometimes, I find it hard to get out of bed. And to be honest, if I did not have my children, I am sure there would be days that I didn’t get out of bed. It’s not just because I’m tired. I’m a mother, I personally do not know any other state than tired. And just because I say I’m tired doesn’t mean I need a nap, most of the time when II’m tired I have had enough of everything and I either need to push through it or get away from it all. As many of you who are mothers no, you can never get away from it all. So most days for perpetual state of tiredness. Depression and anxiety doesn’t just mean you are sad or feel nothing, for me some of the times I’m angry, like irrationally angry, generally over nothing, I could be in a bad mood and yell at my kids or Alex, or I could find something to feed my anger into, like someone’s being a bitch, and it’ll be like I’m super into a heated debate about something I probably don’t even care about. Anyways, since seeing the psychologist I’m coming to terms with a lot of things, and realizing what I’m going through is pretty normal in today’s society, which is almost scary but at the same time helpful because I know people understand what I’m going through, and as cliche as it sounds, I’m not alone.

11: Pug cuddles and pretty much the best cuddles and they are close to the best companion I could ever want or have. Sometimes you just want and need a cuddle, and getting cuddles from my kids is amazing but also rare, but ivy and Penny are all about the cuddles and it’s everything, they just want to be touching your leg, or leaned up against you, keeping you warm and loved. Even when I hate myself, my kids are angry, and I’ve probably pissed off my husband, I can sit on the couch and they with come over and cuddle me. They are the hugs I never knew I needed. They are so much more than just a dog to me, plus have you ever looked at a pug? They are a constant form of entertainment, adorable, and (as my sister put it) so ugly they are cute haha. Sometimes I just look in their faces, or overhear their snoring and I can’t help but laugh or smile ❤️.

12: Keeping my kids alive is more difficult than it looks haha. Did you know that kids don’t care what you say even if it’s in the best interest of their health? Yup they don’t give a shit. Yesterday my daughter (16 months) learned if she turns the garbage on its side she can get everything on the counter in the kitchen.. she already understands how to open doors, get in and out of her high chair, and climb on literally everything, but now she’s getting more inventive. Ethan’s a bit better but he’s still got a death wish too, but his is more.. running away from me in grocery stores and parking lots. This parenting thing is fun but holy hell its hard haha.

13: Sesame Street is still a great show, and the even have new characters, one named Abby! we are a “have the tv on 24/7” kinda people. But I like it because the children are never really engrossed in the tv, only if a song comes, then they dance for the song and continue on playing. Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the stress of everyday and watch something “back to the basics”

14: You have to make time for yourself, and I know that’s impossible at times but you need to for your own mental health. I try to drink a coffee without disturbance every morning. Minimum of 50% of the time I fail, but I’m trying at least. Then I have my cakes, even though it’s kinda like my job, it’s still something I love doing and feel better after I have done it! 🙂

15: Time is nothing. Somehow I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I have no clue when that happened. I’ve been living in Churchill for almost 6 years! My pregnancy on Abby was just like a blink, and every time I blink they are passing milestones and are more and more grown up.

16: Churchill Falls isn’t actually that bad of a place to live. It’s safe, clean, quiet, and generally everyone is friendly so any encounters outside of your house are generally positive. The fresh produce situation sucks from time to time, there is snow like 9 months a year, and sometimes it’s so cold they have to close school. So I guess it has both positives and negatives, however I’m starting to like it here, nothing can replace living near my family, and having that family support, or even being near an actual medical centre with an actual doctor; however it’s a great place to get our start as a family and a great place to raise a family, if Alex’s professional career keeps us here, it’s not the end of the world anymore. We could have it a lot worse and it has taught me to appreciate the things I don’t have access to all the time, like a hospital, take out venues, or even Walmart.

To be honest I’ve been struggling getting 17 things, I mean, there is only so much you can learn in a year when you are not in school haha. But here is number 17!

17: Having friends that love your children, as much as you do, is so important. I have friends who want to take my kids in and out of their car seats, want to hang out with me and the kids, find my kids funny and even tolerate the, at their worst. They push the stroller, buy things for my kids, and interact with them! And that means so much to have friends like that in my life, and you can never have too many friends like that. Those are the friends you keep around and will stay around for a lifetime, and I love them so much for being there. They are there when I need to bitch, when I need to get out of my house, when I need a break, or even when I just want adult company to get fast food. Along with my family, they are the ones who help me push through the bad days and make each day a little better.

Well there it is! 17 things I learned in 2017, took a week to write but I think it was worth it. I love to write after all. Take each day as a day to learn something, and know in whatever you do, that you are not alone. Whether is losing weight, recovering after and illness or injury, or struggling with depression and anxiety, someone in the town and province is going through it as well, you’re never alone.

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I’m tired

When did my life become all about children? Right now my two children are asleep and I’m presently subconsciously listening for noises from their rooms, thinking about what is going on tomorrow, thinking about what happened today and how hard it was keeping Abby off of the kitchen table, and trying to remain calm while Ethan constantly gets up in my face. I go to sleep and my dreams are about doing activities as a family, watching the kids and even going through broken bones or such.

I’m tired. I’m tired of restless nights from tossing and turning, tired of children screaming at the top of their lungs and constantly up in my face. I’m tired of wiping boogers from snotty noses, and of staying awake at night thinking. I have a horrible habit of running through conversations I had during that day and analyzing every aspect: did I say something stupid, maybe they don’t like me, maybe I did something wrong, oh I was talking too much, sheri no wonder you don’t have many friends you gotta get it together. Just smile, nod and listen.

I keep saying I want a weekend away, a week away would be glorious. But I know I’d never stop thinking about the kids, never stop worrying that they are causing their father hell, apparently i just don’t want my kids to burden anyone but myself. Why do I do this to myself, why can’t I relax? Why do I put so much stuff on myself, like I’m setting myself up to fail. I’m setting myself up for a hard day from the moment I wake up. At least I make sure to attempt to drink a coffee without my kids ruining… but then most days the do and I end up with cold coffee.

I know I shouldn’t complain, working moms do all this and work and single moms never get that 20 minute uninterrupted shower. But that’s just how I feel. I’m tired. I’m a mombie.. going through the motions.

I don’t even like wine, but this week I’ll make an exception

Wish I still had these babies in the house right now lol

This week has been extremely emotionally draining. My toddler is at the stage where he is testing his boundaries with everything and thinking it’s funny when mom gets mad, as well he seems to not want to speak English this week so when he’s upset he just stands there and cries in my face, and my 8 month old is cutting a tooth from hell and all she’s doing is crying, so I’m surrounded my crying every waking moment. I cannot remember the last time I had a meal that was still hot, or even the last time I had a coffee and finished it before it was ice cold. Now don’t get me wrong, Alex tries his best to help out but my children are mommy children, so when they need something or get hurt all I hear is mom mom mom. Which is great but after the 30th time hearing mom in half a day, the word starts to get annoying lol

I love my kids with every bone in my body, but this week I’m at the end. Here’s the situation I am in on a daily basis. I live in a town where there is literally nowhere to go in the day time. I have like no one here to hang out with, every morning I wake up 6:30 to the sounds of screeching cries, and half the time I wake up in the middle of the night to crying as well. I do not have adult conversations barely ever so when I am out I get verbal diarreah and come off looking like an idiot. I can only go to the grocery store/mail/library so many times before that starts looking weird and people get sick of seeing me there, let alone I have to take the kids with me when I go and wherever I go, so there is a constant crying/defiance from one of them. I don’t get invited out places because clearly I must be weird or something, I do not get to go to lab city alone to relax, and the store closes here at 6 so by the time supper is over they are closed, and on weekends I like to go out as a family instead of leaving Alex home with the kids. I literally sit in the same two chairs all day, and occasionally the vehicle. I am beyond excited to go to lab city in a week to get a mole removed, yeah you heard correctly, I am excited for someone to cut into my flesh and sit on the incision site for 2.5 hours, because Melanie is taking my children for the day so I can get that done without worrying about them and fighting with them all day long. I get to be a human. And even thought I’m going to be in pain afterwards, I will be thankful for every moment.

I know, being a stay at home mom is such a blessing, and I love being home with my kids, but I am never without my kids, I do not get that grocery store trip, or even a dive to Tim’s, I don’t get to go to a job and be an adult. I don’t get to go out for coffee with my bestie and talk about anything other than baby things, and I know so much about baby things I don’t really even know what adult things are. When my kids go to sleep, I watch the clock and calculate in my head how much sleep i can get before they wake up.. I barely talk because I’m actually enjoying the silence, I do not want to cuddle because I’ve had two little beings invade my personal space all day and I just want to be left alone. Any mother knows this feeling, like if someone else touches you you’re going to explode in a puddle of so many emotions, you do not know whether to scream or burst into tears. 

Anyways just writing this heads made me feel a little better, but I had to get it off my chest. And I know I’m not the only person going through this, so to those who read this and can relate, I’m with you. 

Later taters

My crazy house full of love

It’s 8:30 a.m. and I am presently finishing off coffee number 1 while contemplating a second coffee and watching my children. 

Ethan is over at the dining room table, he found the cheesies Alex and I left out from last night, and I didn’t stop him from eating them all, I just took amusement in what he was doing. He was sly with it at first, then when he wanted a drink he gave away what he was doing haha. 

Abby is over at the toy box, kind of playing with the toys, but mostly watching Sesame Street on tv. She is starting to walk around furniture a little bit now, and she’s crawling like a baby on a mission. The fun stage of keeping her from hurting herself and keeping her from getting at the dog food/water has started. So far I’ve lost the second battle twice this week, I mean every child should try dog food at least once right? 😂

It’s a Sunday morning, Alex is still in bed with a super cuddly Ivy pug, Penny is out here in the living room, looking out the window. It’s fairly quiet, which is nice but unusual. Maybe I’ll get that second cup of coffee, should probably go into the kitchen, not only are there dishes but Abby has made her way into there a lord only knows what she has gotten into. 

Earlier I was watching Ethan and Abby, she already worships the ground he walks on, it’s absolutely adorable, yet slightly heartbreaking when he wants nothing to do with her, for example if she wants to play with the dinosaurs, he doesn’t want her to. The joys of siblings. Earlier Ethan brought me out a pack of yogurts from the fridge so I could give him one and the entire time she watched in amazement like “one day I’m going to be just like my big brother”. 

Having two children under 3 isn’t always easy, but it is certainly rewarding. Parenting is always going to have its good and bad times, and it may seem like it’s getting easier the older they get, but it’s actually getting more difficult. As an infant, they are easy, yes lack of sleep sucks, and if they are colic (like Ethan was) then it sucks a lot, but there was no real teaching, no reprimanding, no feeling bad during a time out, no scraped knees or gashes on their body, and there was certainly no talking back. Ethan’s only 2, I can imagine what I will add to this list by the time he turns 3. Parenting isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s the hardest, yet most rewarding, thing you will ever do. There will be tears, yelling, frustration, and that’s just from you, you’ll get all that and more from your kids as well. 

Well I’m off for today, a poopy diaper is calling my name 😂. 

Later taters!

Realization from my vacation

“Roar Roar Roar like an Angry T-Rex”

First family vacation to Disney with two kids, 2.5 & 6 months. 

Every day my 2 year old had multiple tantrums, he’s two and I took him to the “happiest place on earth”, what 2 year old wouldn’t tantrum waiting in lines or being dragged away from dinosaur things. 

My 6 month old is a 6 month old, pissed she has to stay still in a stroller all day, too nosey to eat and drink normally, and due to heat and being in the stroller she developed a little heat rash and a super cranky attitude haha. 

This is my first time to Florida, I wish I had of went sooner, and I cannot wait until my children are old enough to go and enjoy it with some sort of patience and understanding. I went on roller coasters, scary rides and saw amazing stunts, I ate pretzels that looked like Mickey Mouse, and got my annual fill of Taco Bell haha. 

I’m so happy that I did this. I needed the heat and the relaxation. I needed to experience being in a crowd and out of the house to realize I need that more often to get back to normal. I am not myself anymore, not the fun, go out to the movies or for drink, happy-go-lucky self, And I haven’t been for a while. Confrontation and stressful situations I used to thrive on, now cause me to clam up and freeze, looking like an idiot when I just want to get out of the situation I am in and run for the hills. Rationality goes out the window and outside of my mind I just seem crazy, at least I think so. 

I’m not sure when the paranoia started, I just know it’s been at least 7 years. Always second guessing friendships, thinking everyone is looking at and speaking ill of me, just being uncomfortable in a crowd. 

The last couple of years have been particularly bad, I have, what I like to call, silent panick attacks. On the outside I take pride in the fact I only seem like I’m in a bad mood when I’m freaking out inside. It’s hard to explain, I just know I start sweating, my mind races, and not to anything in particular, it’s like it’s racing to nothing, and I can’t focus on anything, my eyes just keep jumping from item to item, almost trying to grasp onto something that isn’t there. And I cannot forget that feeling in the pit of my stomach. It can last anywhere from a minute to ten minutes, or however long I am in that situation. Sometimes it’s just the uncomfortable mind racing feeling, other times it’s so bad I start shaking, those times rarely happen, but suck when they do. 

Being in the situations more often is helping me figure out how to deal with them quickly. I still freak out, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. This vacation is helping me, even though in a way it’s torturing me. One crazy, busy, scary, exciting day at a time.

Later taters!

Might as well talk about relationships 😘❤

My whole world in one photo ❤

In high school, I was more made fun of than looked at as a potential girlfriend. At the time, to a high school girl, that sucked. For some reason, being single in highschool meant you would grow up with 30 cats.. well that’s at least how it felt. So like any non popular girl, I tried to figure out how the popular girls had boyfriends.. I wasn’t skinny so that was a big point against me… oh but they wear cool clothes, make up, and they wear thongs.. apparently that was the magic equation, because as far as I could see, intelligence wasn’t high on the guys priority list, and some of them were downright mean so personality to a back seat too.

 Being overweight and trying to wear the same clothes as the tiny girls was… difficult.. let’s just say I have a couple muffin top photos I laught at time to time haha. But thongs… those sucked. Clearly if you like wearing those vagina torture devices than your body is either made for them or you you really don’t mind underwear constantly up your butt, and don’t even get me started on g-strings… why are you even wearing underwear? Might as well go commando. 

Anyways in high school I was in a relationship with my best friend a lot. You know, on again off again high school relationship. And we are still even best friends today, 9 years after high school ended. He is getting married this year, and I could not be happier for him. Since high school he found himself, his amazing fiancé, and he’s recently gone back to school. I am proud of him daily for the man he has become. 

Dating sucks. But thankfully being overweight, many people don’t generally just ask you on a date. Actually since high school I think I only dated 3, maybe 4 people, Outside of those first dates that never got a second haha. Last man, obviously, is my hubby Alex. I admit for the first couple months I tried to impress him, and as anyone who sees me daily now, knows dressing to impress doesn’t happen anymore haha. 

I moved up to live with alex when I finished my diploma (rip diploma, that’s another blog lol). I think it only took me a couple of months to realize I didnt need to do myself up for Alex. The times he saw me in sweats and a huge sweater he loved me just as much as if I was in heels and a tight dress. Thongs? Those never ever came into our relationship, I literally have 2 pairs with tags on them, like some day I’m going to just throw them on hahah. I don’t really remember the last time I wore my hair down, showered every 2 days, or even when a piece of my clothing wasn’t covered in drool or spit up. But he will still come home from work and try to grab my butt, or chase me around trying to tickle me till I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard. And that’s after 6 years and 2 children. I found my soul mate, and he’s my best friend. I didn’t need a thong or tight revealing clothing to get him, wearing sweat pants, hair always up, and no makeup lol. He makes me happy when I feel like crying, and so angry I could scream at the top of my lungs. But I wouldn’t change a moment. 

Just because she’s my second, doesn’t make it any easier, it is harder

Abigail Jean Louise Haye was born August 19th, 2016 at 7:50 p.m. and it was one of the best days of my life. 

A lot of people say that your second child is easier, and when it comes to doing everything physical with them it’s true, also a lot easier to leave them with babysitters because you’re a little less worried. Ethan was 6 months before I left him with someone other than my family, Abby was 2 months Haha. Diaper changes are so much easier on a newborn! I feel like I’m wrestling an alligator when I try to change Ethan. And they are just easier to pick up and take around places, they sit still in a car seat while you are trying to chase a 2 year old. As well dealing with them on a daily basis is easier because you’ve done it all before. 

Emotionally, it’s just as hard, if not worse than your first. You miss a lot of things. I remember Ethan being a baby and catching all his first on camera and watching his every move, I can’t do that with Abby because Ethan needs me too. He is still a baby himself and I understand he needs me just as much as she does, just sucks when you miss your child rolling over or crawling for the first time. I worry daily she isn’t eating enough (and she’s a chub so it’s evident she is), and I worry about her development, especially in comparison to her peers. 

One day Ethan skipped his nap, and the entire time he was whining, saying mommy and clinging to me. So naturally I was tired and done when Abby finally woke up from her nap. The moment she started up crying it was like something broke in me, I started to cry and just begged her to stop and that mommy had enough. I let her cry, while I cried and just sat there. It wasn’t her fault, all she wanted was to be talked to and held, but because Ethan had literally driven me to my edge, and it wasn’t even 5pm yet, I just couldn’t take anymore from anyone. After a couple minutes I picked her up and cuddled her and told her mommy was sorry, it wasn’t her fault, and walked her around a bit to get her happier. Ethan was colic, I can deal with crying, and when he cried I held him and tried to get him through it. I couldn’t do that with Abby because I have another child who needed me all day and there is literally only so much Mom to go around. I remember this day because I felt horrible and I try not to have that day repeat itself. 

There is something inside you that lets you know you are done having children. You no longer get that “baby fever”, babies are just adorable, not something you long for. I knew I was done the moment I had Abigail, my world just felt complete and I was happy with it. But knowing this child is your last (pending surprises) is difficult because you know that every thing is the last time you’ll experience it first hand. No more newborn clothing, no more baby swings, no more bobbly head baby you’re afraid will break when they first come out. Soon it will be no more stationary baby, no more “baby look”, and before I know it… she’ll be a two year old and I’ll be wondering where the time went. Emotionally, my second child is much harder than my first. 

Today I boxed up all of her 3-6 month clothing and gave it away. Every outfit I took out I remembered her wearing, even if it was only for a couple minutes until she pooped or spit up all over it. I remember putting those outfits in the closet wondering what she will be like, or what she’ll do in them, and now they are cherished memories. Even some 6-12 month clothing is too small for her (she cannot do rompers with those adorable thunder thighs). The realization of never having anything so small again is hard. Especially today. Yes, first few months of their lives are rather boring, and I’m sure I am not the only one who feels that way, but those cuddles you get will get shorter and shorter and finally far and few between as they get older. I’m lucky to get a 10 minute cuddle twice a week from Ethan, and he’s 2. 

I guess your second child is easier in a way, but if your second child is also your last child, it’s harder emotionally.

Anyways that’s it for me tonight, time for this momma to have a slushie drink and some popcorn!

Later taters!