I don’t even like wine, but this week I’ll make an exception

Wish I still had these babies in the house right now lol

This week has been extremely emotionally draining. My toddler is at the stage where he is testing his boundaries with everything and thinking it’s funny when mom gets mad, as well he seems to not want to speak English this week so when he’s upset he just stands there and cries in my face, and my 8 month old is cutting a tooth from hell and all she’s doing is crying, so I’m surrounded my crying every waking moment. I cannot remember the last time I had a meal that was still hot, or even the last time I had a coffee and finished it before it was ice cold. Now don’t get me wrong, Alex tries his best to help out but my children are mommy children, so when they need something or get hurt all I hear is mom mom mom. Which is great but after the 30th time hearing mom in half a day, the word starts to get annoying lol

I love my kids with every bone in my body, but this week I’m at the end. Here’s the situation I am in on a daily basis. I live in a town where there is literally nowhere to go in the day time. I have like no one here to hang out with, every morning I wake up 6:30 to the sounds of screeching cries, and half the time I wake up in the middle of the night to crying as well. I do not have adult conversations barely ever so when I am out I get verbal diarreah and come off looking like an idiot. I can only go to the grocery store/mail/library so many times before that starts looking weird and people get sick of seeing me there, let alone I have to take the kids with me when I go and wherever I go, so there is a constant crying/defiance from one of them. I don’t get invited out places because clearly I must be weird or something, I do not get to go to lab city alone to relax, and the store closes here at 6 so by the time supper is over they are closed, and on weekends I like to go out as a family instead of leaving Alex home with the kids. I literally sit in the same two chairs all day, and occasionally the vehicle. I am beyond excited to go to lab city in a week to get a mole removed, yeah you heard correctly, I am excited for someone to cut into my flesh and sit on the incision site for 2.5 hours, because Melanie is taking my children for the day so I can get that done without worrying about them and fighting with them all day long. I get to be a human. And even thought I’m going to be in pain afterwards, I will be thankful for every moment.

I know, being a stay at home mom is such a blessing, and I love being home with my kids, but I am never without my kids, I do not get that grocery store trip, or even a dive to Tim’s, I don’t get to go to a job and be an adult. I don’t get to go out for coffee with my bestie and talk about anything other than baby things, and I know so much about baby things I don’t really even know what adult things are. When my kids go to sleep, I watch the clock and calculate in my head how much sleep i can get before they wake up.. I barely talk because I’m actually enjoying the silence, I do not want to cuddle because I’ve had two little beings invade my personal space all day and I just want to be left alone. Any mother knows this feeling, like if someone else touches you you’re going to explode in a puddle of so many emotions, you do not know whether to scream or burst into tears. 

Anyways just writing this heads made me feel a little better, but I had to get it off my chest. And I know I’m not the only person going through this, so to those who read this and can relate, I’m with you. 

Later taters

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My crazy house full of love

It’s 8:30 a.m. and I am presently finishing off coffee number 1 while contemplating a second coffee and watching my children. 

Ethan is over at the dining room table, he found the cheesies Alex and I left out from last night, and I didn’t stop him from eating them all, I just took amusement in what he was doing. He was sly with it at first, then when he wanted a drink he gave away what he was doing haha. 

Abby is over at the toy box, kind of playing with the toys, but mostly watching Sesame Street on tv. She is starting to walk around furniture a little bit now, and she’s crawling like a baby on a mission. The fun stage of keeping her from hurting herself and keeping her from getting at the dog food/water has started. So far I’ve lost the second battle twice this week, I mean every child should try dog food at least once right? 😂

It’s a Sunday morning, Alex is still in bed with a super cuddly Ivy pug, Penny is out here in the living room, looking out the window. It’s fairly quiet, which is nice but unusual. Maybe I’ll get that second cup of coffee, should probably go into the kitchen, not only are there dishes but Abby has made her way into there a lord only knows what she has gotten into. 

Earlier I was watching Ethan and Abby, she already worships the ground he walks on, it’s absolutely adorable, yet slightly heartbreaking when he wants nothing to do with her, for example if she wants to play with the dinosaurs, he doesn’t want her to. The joys of siblings. Earlier Ethan brought me out a pack of yogurts from the fridge so I could give him one and the entire time she watched in amazement like “one day I’m going to be just like my big brother”. 

Having two children under 3 isn’t always easy, but it is certainly rewarding. Parenting is always going to have its good and bad times, and it may seem like it’s getting easier the older they get, but it’s actually getting more difficult. As an infant, they are easy, yes lack of sleep sucks, and if they are colic (like Ethan was) then it sucks a lot, but there was no real teaching, no reprimanding, no feeling bad during a time out, no scraped knees or gashes on their body, and there was certainly no talking back. Ethan’s only 2, I can imagine what I will add to this list by the time he turns 3. Parenting isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s the hardest, yet most rewarding, thing you will ever do. There will be tears, yelling, frustration, and that’s just from you, you’ll get all that and more from your kids as well. 

Well I’m off for today, a poopy diaper is calling my name 😂. 

Later taters!

Realization from my vacation

“Roar Roar Roar like an Angry T-Rex”

First family vacation to Disney with two kids, 2.5 & 6 months. 

Every day my 2 year old had multiple tantrums, he’s two and I took him to the “happiest place on earth”, what 2 year old wouldn’t tantrum waiting in lines or being dragged away from dinosaur things. 

My 6 month old is a 6 month old, pissed she has to stay still in a stroller all day, too nosey to eat and drink normally, and due to heat and being in the stroller she developed a little heat rash and a super cranky attitude haha. 

This is my first time to Florida, I wish I had of went sooner, and I cannot wait until my children are old enough to go and enjoy it with some sort of patience and understanding. I went on roller coasters, scary rides and saw amazing stunts, I ate pretzels that looked like Mickey Mouse, and got my annual fill of Taco Bell haha. 

I’m so happy that I did this. I needed the heat and the relaxation. I needed to experience being in a crowd and out of the house to realize I need that more often to get back to normal. I am not myself anymore, not the fun, go out to the movies or for drink, happy-go-lucky self, And I haven’t been for a while. Confrontation and stressful situations I used to thrive on, now cause me to clam up and freeze, looking like an idiot when I just want to get out of the situation I am in and run for the hills. Rationality goes out the window and outside of my mind I just seem crazy, at least I think so. 

I’m not sure when the paranoia started, I just know it’s been at least 7 years. Always second guessing friendships, thinking everyone is looking at and speaking ill of me, just being uncomfortable in a crowd. 

The last couple of years have been particularly bad, I have, what I like to call, silent panick attacks. On the outside I take pride in the fact I only seem like I’m in a bad mood when I’m freaking out inside. It’s hard to explain, I just know I start sweating, my mind races, and not to anything in particular, it’s like it’s racing to nothing, and I can’t focus on anything, my eyes just keep jumping from item to item, almost trying to grasp onto something that isn’t there. And I cannot forget that feeling in the pit of my stomach. It can last anywhere from a minute to ten minutes, or however long I am in that situation. Sometimes it’s just the uncomfortable mind racing feeling, other times it’s so bad I start shaking, those times rarely happen, but suck when they do. 

Being in the situations more often is helping me figure out how to deal with them quickly. I still freak out, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. This vacation is helping me, even though in a way it’s torturing me. One crazy, busy, scary, exciting day at a time.

Later taters!

Might as well talk about relationships 😘❤

My whole world in one photo ❤

In high school, I was more made fun of than looked at as a potential girlfriend. At the time, to a high school girl, that sucked. For some reason, being single in highschool meant you would grow up with 30 cats.. well that’s at least how it felt. So like any non popular girl, I tried to figure out how the popular girls had boyfriends.. I wasn’t skinny so that was a big point against me… oh but they wear cool clothes, make up, and they wear thongs.. apparently that was the magic equation, because as far as I could see, intelligence wasn’t high on the guys priority list, and some of them were downright mean so personality to a back seat too.

 Being overweight and trying to wear the same clothes as the tiny girls was… difficult.. let’s just say I have a couple muffin top photos I laught at time to time haha. But thongs… those sucked. Clearly if you like wearing those vagina torture devices than your body is either made for them or you you really don’t mind underwear constantly up your butt, and don’t even get me started on g-strings… why are you even wearing underwear? Might as well go commando. 

Anyways in high school I was in a relationship with my best friend a lot. You know, on again off again high school relationship. And we are still even best friends today, 9 years after high school ended. He is getting married this year, and I could not be happier for him. Since high school he found himself, his amazing fiancé, and he’s recently gone back to school. I am proud of him daily for the man he has become. 

Dating sucks. But thankfully being overweight, many people don’t generally just ask you on a date. Actually since high school I think I only dated 3, maybe 4 people, Outside of those first dates that never got a second haha. Last man, obviously, is my hubby Alex. I admit for the first couple months I tried to impress him, and as anyone who sees me daily now, knows dressing to impress doesn’t happen anymore haha. 

I moved up to live with alex when I finished my diploma (rip diploma, that’s another blog lol). I think it only took me a couple of months to realize I didnt need to do myself up for Alex. The times he saw me in sweats and a huge sweater he loved me just as much as if I was in heels and a tight dress. Thongs? Those never ever came into our relationship, I literally have 2 pairs with tags on them, like some day I’m going to just throw them on hahah. I don’t really remember the last time I wore my hair down, showered every 2 days, or even when a piece of my clothing wasn’t covered in drool or spit up. But he will still come home from work and try to grab my butt, or chase me around trying to tickle me till I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard. And that’s after 6 years and 2 children. I found my soul mate, and he’s my best friend. I didn’t need a thong or tight revealing clothing to get him, wearing sweat pants, hair always up, and no makeup lol. He makes me happy when I feel like crying, and so angry I could scream at the top of my lungs. But I wouldn’t change a moment. 

Just because she’s my second, doesn’t make it any easier, it is harder

Abigail Jean Louise Haye was born August 19th, 2016 at 7:50 p.m. and it was one of the best days of my life. 

A lot of people say that your second child is easier, and when it comes to doing everything physical with them it’s true, also a lot easier to leave them with babysitters because you’re a little less worried. Ethan was 6 months before I left him with someone other than my family, Abby was 2 months Haha. Diaper changes are so much easier on a newborn! I feel like I’m wrestling an alligator when I try to change Ethan. And they are just easier to pick up and take around places, they sit still in a car seat while you are trying to chase a 2 year old. As well dealing with them on a daily basis is easier because you’ve done it all before. 

Emotionally, it’s just as hard, if not worse than your first. You miss a lot of things. I remember Ethan being a baby and catching all his first on camera and watching his every move, I can’t do that with Abby because Ethan needs me too. He is still a baby himself and I understand he needs me just as much as she does, just sucks when you miss your child rolling over or crawling for the first time. I worry daily she isn’t eating enough (and she’s a chub so it’s evident she is), and I worry about her development, especially in comparison to her peers. 

One day Ethan skipped his nap, and the entire time he was whining, saying mommy and clinging to me. So naturally I was tired and done when Abby finally woke up from her nap. The moment she started up crying it was like something broke in me, I started to cry and just begged her to stop and that mommy had enough. I let her cry, while I cried and just sat there. It wasn’t her fault, all she wanted was to be talked to and held, but because Ethan had literally driven me to my edge, and it wasn’t even 5pm yet, I just couldn’t take anymore from anyone. After a couple minutes I picked her up and cuddled her and told her mommy was sorry, it wasn’t her fault, and walked her around a bit to get her happier. Ethan was colic, I can deal with crying, and when he cried I held him and tried to get him through it. I couldn’t do that with Abby because I have another child who needed me all day and there is literally only so much Mom to go around. I remember this day because I felt horrible and I try not to have that day repeat itself. 

There is something inside you that lets you know you are done having children. You no longer get that “baby fever”, babies are just adorable, not something you long for. I knew I was done the moment I had Abigail, my world just felt complete and I was happy with it. But knowing this child is your last (pending surprises) is difficult because you know that every thing is the last time you’ll experience it first hand. No more newborn clothing, no more baby swings, no more bobbly head baby you’re afraid will break when they first come out. Soon it will be no more stationary baby, no more “baby look”, and before I know it… she’ll be a two year old and I’ll be wondering where the time went. Emotionally, my second child is much harder than my first. 

Today I boxed up all of her 3-6 month clothing and gave it away. Every outfit I took out I remembered her wearing, even if it was only for a couple minutes until she pooped or spit up all over it. I remember putting those outfits in the closet wondering what she will be like, or what she’ll do in them, and now they are cherished memories. Even some 6-12 month clothing is too small for her (she cannot do rompers with those adorable thunder thighs). The realization of never having anything so small again is hard. Especially today. Yes, first few months of their lives are rather boring, and I’m sure I am not the only one who feels that way, but those cuddles you get will get shorter and shorter and finally far and few between as they get older. I’m lucky to get a 10 minute cuddle twice a week from Ethan, and he’s 2. 

I guess your second child is easier in a way, but if your second child is also your last child, it’s harder emotionally.

Anyways that’s it for me tonight, time for this momma to have a slushie drink and some popcorn!

Later taters!

I yelled at my child in public.. And I’m not sorry for it.

My silly, strong willed, amazing little man ❤️

I have a very strong willed 2 year old, who will test his boundaries no matter who is around. 

I believe selective hearing begins at birth, or at least it certainly seems like this with my son. Everywhere we go he will test his boudaries, quietly at first, then full blown tantrum over a kinder egg. The worst is when you try to leave somewhere, just leaving the house is a chore. I get Abby into her car seat all ready and get everyone to the stairs, he then proceeds to close the gate on me and says “bye mommy I’ll miss you”.. Like I’m just going to leave him there. So it takes raising my voice (after asking nicely 4-5 times) before he will even come down the stairs to get his shoes and jacket on. Then I take him outside to get in the car. Ethan adores snow so he walks around and plays with the snow so I put Abby in the car and then ask him to get in the car, which he ignores until I physically get him or turn into monster mom again. So before I even get to a store or locations I’ve already had to yell twice, at least. Once I get somewhere I always get a cart because dealing with 2 children is difficult on a good day, and Ethan hates being contained so if I’m not quick he gets pissy and starts yelling and crying for no reason, then of course we hit the kinder eggs and his whole life just crumbles if he doesn’t get that kinder egg… Try telling an already pissed off child they cannot have a kinder egg… I would rather wash a cat. So through listening to him crying “mommy egg” for 5 minute and his not-listening to my “Ethan quiet please” he eventually gets yelled at again. But this time it’s more public than the earlier times and a lot of the times I think back and feel a little guilty for doing it, but I know my own child, if I could talk civilly to him and he would listen I would, unfortunately I have to turn into monster mom before he even looks my way most days. It’s because of this that when I overhear a mom yelling at their child in the supermarket or Walmart, I relate to that mother and I personally want to give her a high five so she knows that she’s not alone or a horrible parent for doing that. 

Now I also have given in to my child, more times than I care to admit. I am a mother of two, one who just cries because she’s a baby and I expect that, and one who cries and yells and constantly says “mommy mommy mommy” to the point I wish my name was anything else. So when we are out and he wants a kinder egg and is tantruming for it, I have given it to him. Earlier that day I probably dealt with  at least 4 loads of poop, fussy teething baby, Ethan getting on my very last nerve, and the house is definitely up to your eyeballs in mess. So I give in. I am not sorry for that. Those 2 minutes he is eating that kinder egg are quiet, amazingly quiet that I can for once think clearly and breathe. I am sure there are moms out there that never give in, but I hate wine and I do not have that will power. 

No matter how many times he makes me want to pull my hair out, all he has to do is smile once and I’m melted. He made me a mom and no matter how difficult he makes that some days, he is one of the major loves of my life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m a little uncomfortable… a lot

To a lot of people I come off as sort of a hermit when it comes to going out places, other than the grocery store and mail. Even then I just end up with verbal diarreah whenever someone takes the time to talk to me (come on, I talk to a 2 year old 99% of my day, someone who can speak full sentences talks to me and I get excited, sue me) and then it’s almost painfully noticed they make sure not to make that mistake again. Do you know how it feels to walk out of your house and feel everyone is actively avoiding you? How it feels to be absolutely shattered every time someone tries to find a way to get out of a conversation with you. I have always had a “soft heart” everything I took personally, from being told something I made had a little too much salt, to being called any name in the insult book (name it and it’s probably been said to me) and everything in between. 

Let me just start off with the fact I do not make friends easily. Yet i am an incredibly open individual with anyone who will listen. It all comes back to a situation when I was in grade 6, without a doubt, but because of that my mind finds it next to impossible to know I have real friends or that people like me. Sure to this day I still have moments when I question even my closest relationships. Let me give you a couple examples. 

I talk with my best friends daily and generally about anything. One of them go off and start hanging with other people and I actually get upset, worried, and very paranoid they are going to drop me because they found this cool new best friend, regardless of us living a couple thousand kilometres apart. Even though I know this isn’t true, I haven’t been able to prevent my mind from going there, and then I get the impending doom feeling in my stomach for what seems like forever.

Next example, and by far the most common one, is social situations. They scare the crap out of me, especially living here, everyone is very judgemental, even though they say they are not. I grew up with the knowledge that if you were not personally invited then you were not welcomed, or always considered that “plus 1”. That is not how this town works. First off people just show up to things with or without an invite, and in this town I am “plus 1” to pretty much everything, and there is a stigma around that, one that feel more like “oh shes here” or “oh she showed up” not a very welcoming feeling. 

I only have one friend up here, outside of my husband, and I’ve been here almost 6 years.. and I tried, but I’m not a partier and the first time people stopped inviting me to things I realized the problem was me. Believe it or not, I still have some pride, and I know who I’m not welcomed by and I do not like being in situations I am not welcomed, or I know people do not like me.

Anyways, back to what happens. Alex will generally get invited somewhere, or even the invitation will be open to both of us. From the moment that invite is extended the seed is planted in my mind. It festers, i get that nervous feeling in my stomach and the thought of going out to another social situation upsets me. Even when I think of it I tear up sometimes..  9/10 times I will talk myself out of it every time because I hate sitting in a room looking at my phone for hours. And that’s what happens. I’m not comfortable leaving my husband to go hang out with people I do not know, and those people who I think are “friend acquaintances” always leave their husbands and go off with their actual friends. So that leaves me, sitting on my phone, listening to yet another conversation my husband is having about work or what not. Usually ends up with me messaging my bestie and saying “I wish you were here”.

Why would I want to subject myself to those scenarios when I could just sit home, cuddle my pugs and children, and even hubby. Now I will always encourage alex to go to the functions without me, I do not want my own mental demons keep him from having a good time. Even though he insists on trying to guilt me into going every time with “I don’t like going places without you, it’s all couples and me” to which I think in my head “I don’t like going places and being the outcast who is only there to be furniture”.

Also, I don’t like drinking. I used to in university, but I was around friends, making a fool of myself in front of people who already think I’m weird, isn’t exactly what I’m going for. Also I’m a mother now, and like it or not, I have to be up with 2 loud children at the butt crack of dawn. So one night of partying and feeling uncomfortable is not worth the literal body and head aches the next day. 

In grade 6 I wanted to hang out with the cool kids, and I got invited over to one of their houses after school. I was beyond excited, like yay, they like me. Then we were all lying on the bed just talking about random things and two of them held me down and tried to take off my pants.. I don’t know what their end motive was… must have been to make me feel bad, but thank god I was a chubby child and stronger than them twig bitches.. I remember sitting till I got picked up, trying to pretend like nothing happened, and rationalize what happened.. but I was in grade 6, I couldn’t rationalize anything hah, I didn’t even know was rationalize meant. I just knew they never wanted to be my friends.. 

A more recent experience that just brought it all back was only a few years ago, you know how you can have weekly activities, like you go weekly and do an activity, watch a movie or tv show, or just hang and have wine? Well I was doing something like that, and I liked doing it, I looked forward to it.. then I just stopped being invited, I’m not really sure why, I think I must have said something stupid or maybe I’m just a little weird… I don’t know.. I just know it made me feel bad, and if I was out at the time I’d drive by on my way home and noticed they were still hanging out, just I wasn’t invited anymore… probably should have been more adult and asked what was going on but I have issues and just let it get to me.

I do not post a lot on this anymore. I used to post weekly but lately I write a lot of drafts, about how I feel, and never publish them.. I may publish this one.. if I do it will not be a “share on Facebook” post.. just a post.. more for me. If people want to read then great but I’m not going to throw this up on Facebook.